Utilitarian Memories

This would be a long list if I listed even one-millionth of the things I've learned. Also, I can't remember everything I've taught, so it would be incomplete. But sometimes I learn something, or how to do something, that makes me a little proud or I use a lot so I think I should list those here.

How to balance on a moving bicycle. It may be true one never forgets, but it's gotten harder with age and is a lot more work than joyful whizzing around with the wind in what's left of my hair.

How to swim. My dad taught me, but I taught myself how to body surf.

How to tie a tie. My dad taught me this, too, but I had to learn myself how to do a bow tie.

Soldering. It comes in handier than I thought.

Ironing a shirt. I remember my mom doing a lot of this when I was growing up. She had a glass bottle with a sprinkler top that she would use on my dad's white shirts.

How to tie a shoe. I think my mom taught me. I remember struggling in the kitchen and her having to undo the knots for a year after.

How to shave. Taught myself. With a straight razor. That's how I shaved until I was thirty.

How to find pin 1 on a motherboard connector. Lower left.

Label spark plug wires before pulling them all off.

Open a champagne bottle by holding onto the cork.

Light a “strike anywhere” match using my thumbnail.

Light and hold a match without exposing it to wind or sight.

How to listen. Impossible for me to do when I get excited.

Crack lug nuts when the wheel is still on the ground.

Backup the important shit.

Consider why I'm saying something before opening my mouth.

Begin tiling in the middle of the room.

“Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.”

I always want more, and my wants always make me miserable.

The number of people on the planet who give a rat's ass what I think is almost always one.

Give advice when asked, I don't need to respond to statements.

When I'm depressed I never care to do any of the things I know will make me feel better.

Fold your fingers when cutting with a knife.

“Because I can” is rarely a good reason for doing anything.

The truth is only occasionally what I believe it is, and then, more often by accident than my doing.

I can't find my own mistakes.

A suit and tie is not formal clothes.

I'm better than some, worse than others.

Depression is not caring, not feeling bad.

If I pursue the unattainable, I'm certain to fail and feel like shit.

Water seeks its own level.

Level is horizontal, plumb vertical.

Centigrade is about Farenheit minus thirty-two, divided by two, plus ten percent.

Attack people's beliefs with caution and consideration.

People will remember me the way they last saw me.

Sometimes reality exceeds my wildest dreams.