Crenellated Flotsam

As if life weren’t confusing enough, I sometimes make it worse by refusing to understand simple concepts.

One of my longer lasting problems comes with the notion of secret. For some reason, I keep thinking of in terms of a stronger, probably non-existent word that would refer to something that I, and I alone, know. I know, I know, most secrets are between two people, but it always feels to me as if more than one person knows about some thing, it’s not the same as a real secret.

As can be expected, this gets me into lots of trouble, but only with myself. I like to think of myself as one of the more discrete people around, and anything I think shouldn’t be public or even divulged to another person is locked up tight in my head. I don’t have much trouble keeping these things secret and I don’t remember ever hearing anyone gossiping about me as blabbing, but maybe they do and just keep it a secret from me.

I’d like two terms, one for things I share with others and another for things only I know. I suppose I could distinguish them by calling the first one confidences, but it’s not likely I’d remember to do that all the time. Still, it’s a good way to keep the two things separate.

There are any number of things I’m aware of that no one else knows, but they’re not all worthy of being called secrets. I think a secret has to be something I’m hiding, or that I don’t want other people to know. I mean, right now no one knows which toothpaste I used this morning or what underwear I have on, but it’s not like I wouldn’t tell anyone who asked. Those things are unknown to the world, but that’s more a matter of happenstance than reluctance.

What’s weird about the confidences is that I have a hard time considering them as secrets because even if I never mention them, someone else knows about them and could talk about them. Since I can’t really control if no one else learns about them, I have a hard time considering them as secrets. If I die, the secret won’t die with me and that, to me, pretty much keeps them out of the realm of secrecy.

Then again, a confidence, I think, is something that I’m told about, not something that arises on its own. Just like the toothpaste, I’ve done a lot of things with other people, but only the ones we don’t other people to know about should be secret. Even more troubling, a lot of those things, now that I think about it, are things I’d have to check with the other person to find out if I can talk about it or not. I know what I’m not telling anyone, and those things are secret, but my not talking about something doesn’t mean it’s a secret. It would have to be something I know, or have been told, not to discuss with others.

So, in my overly complicated world, there’s more to the matter of secrets than would seem to be necessary. There’s probably thousands who’ve had access to my super secret Social Security Number so I guess a secret boils down to something someone doesn’t want others to know, no matter how many already do or why.